Living, Learning and Growing is and should be constant.
We are lost if we don't learn from our mistakes and make better choices or do better for ourselves.
I have learned over the last three weeks that expectations can't be met if we don't communicate what they are.
Communicating the way you want to be treated and demonstrating the way you want to be treated; then not getting the same in return is a Shame. It's unfortunate yes, but it's not the end of the world. I've learned that there can be a lot more to communicate if there is no understanding. What does that mean? I asked myself this a lot. It means that just because I understand what it is that I want and expect, it doesn't mean that other's do.
Sometimes we can be what we think is "CLEAR" with our words, but the message isn't conveyed the same.
This requires MORE understanding on my part and clearer communication.
I've become a strong Minded Women, maybe even a little too strong. I've been ready to walk away from what could potentially be an amazing opportunity. It may have been a haste decision; yes. I admit that. In my defense I felt like I was protecting myself from what could potentially be a disaster or what I considered the worst thing ever "heartbreak". Not knowing or taking into consideration whether I have done enough on my part. I think sometimes we forget when we get into a new relationship that the person in our life doesn't know everything yet about us and can't always assume that we have good intentions too. I've never been easy to quit or give up on something especially when I, myself can see for myself that there really isn't a reason for me to feel insecure or afraid of "heartbreak". It is after all better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Lesson learned. It's okay, I understand that now.
Putting aside my pride is something I seem to be doing a lot since learning to grow in every way. I've learned to be more open emotionally, which is very scary for me. I've made myself vulnerable and in return I got the same. Or so it feels like that. Only time will tell, but I won't know for sure unless I try.
There has been so many changes in my life over the last three, as I'm sure everyone who has had to deal with Covid19. Everything from work, school, home & relationships. We are all going through our own struggles and tribulations. I've begun to look at it as a blessing in disguise. The things I wanted to do for myself but always used the excuse that I didn't have time for it, now I've been given the time and opportunity to do so. Yes I have taken full advantage of it and created a life by my own design. One that I love waking up to in the morning and going to bed at night. Although I still have my three day sleepless cycle, it is becoming easier to manage. My PTSD hasn't woken me up in months. No cold chills, waking up gasping for air, no restlessness and the best part is I haven't woken up in tears for a long time. I honestly couldn't tell you.
Seriousness aside, I have some self reflecting and admitting to do for myself. I am feeling something that feeling I felt a long time ago. That feeling I felt the first time I fell in love with a boy. Although now I am more cautious in admitting it to myself because then it makes it true and out there in the universe, which is a terrifying realization but true.
Growth is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
Reflecting on my own growth is something I need to occasionally do to remind myself that even though times feel tough right now physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; I have consistently pushed myself to grow in all those areas.
Physically I have lost a weight and gained some new Ink, not exactly looking like the same person I was a year ago. As a positive and natural consequence of physically feeling better and taking care of my body my mental and emotional state came together in a harmonious balance. A balance I have been able to maintain. Until now.
Spiritually I struggle between what my heart and head tell me. I always choose one over the other and almost immediately regret my decision. Learning to trust in my own judgements and what I feel is right has proven to be difficult.
That harmonious balance I was mentioning earlier is in reference to the time I almost opened up my heart to someone. I didn't feel I was ready for a relationship but it happened anyway. I opened up my heart, home and family. It felt amazing. Scary but amazing. It made me anxious at times but I was never disappointed. I didn't want Love and I wasn't looking for Love but it found me. until I realized that it might be time to start putting trust into each other. You know....the kind of trust where you leave him alone in your house with your dog, for the first time. I'm a single mom, that's a big deal for me. That's when I realized I didn't trust him to be alone in my house. I felt like I could trust him to be alone but the thought of it gave me anxiety which then turned to fear. It was very clear I wasn't ready for where our relationship was going. This is an example of my head and heart not agreeing with each other.
My heart is saying "trust". While my head is saying "don't you fuckin dare". SO I put myself out there and told him that I Love him & it scares me. I told him that trust doesn't come easy from me & that I wasn't ready for where our relationship was going. Another example of my heart and head not agreeing.
Unfortunately he took my expression as a "go fuck yourself" and that I wanted him to leave me alone. I will forever wonder how he got that impression. I'd realize that if we had spent so much time together and all he got from my expression was a "go fuck yourself" then this individual doesn't know me, my heart or my intentions and if he couldn't get to know me a little from all the time we spent together then it's clear his heart isn't in the same place as mine.
Just like that, back to single.
This isn't my first rodeo and I'm sure it won't be my last. The lesson I take away from this to always stay true to yourself. Stay true to what you believe, what you value, your goals and what makes you happy. If it doesn't make you happy or has stopped making you happy, adding stress or anxiety in your life. LET IT GO. Then LOOK back and DON'T regret it.
I'm living, learning and growing.
Lots of Love
Happy New Year!
I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holidays!
While many things in life can only be observed in such a way, not everything in life is simply black and white...
A Women, single finds out she’s pregnant, but continues to smoke and drink alcohol for the duration of her pregnancy. Or maybe she just decreases the amount she smokes and drinks. Does this make her a irresponsible mother/person? Majority of people would agree. Does this make her Selfish? Putting her needs and cravings/addictions before her unborn child? Majority of people would agree with this also. Do her actions show that she does not care for the well being of the unborn child?
A Women, former victim of domestic violence chooses to learn to fight professionally. Potentially putting herself at risk for serious injuries while doing so. Injuries that could leave her unable to provide or take care of her children. Does this make her an irresponsible mother/person? Does this make her actions selfish? Does this mean she doesn’t care for her children?
In a sense yes this makes them both selfish. But to what extent? Is, one Women’s actions more acceptable under the circumstances compared to the other? One action doesn’t have any real benefit other than the satisfaction of a craving/addiction, if this is even considered a benefit. The other improves mental, physical and emotional health all while influencing and motivating others to do the same. Is it fair to call both these mother’s irresponsible? Is it fair to say that they are Selfish? Do both their actions show that they do not care for the well being if their children? Can these two Women even be compared and tossed in the same boat and judged the same way?
So, what makes either one a bad mother? Is it lack of judgement? Not knowing when to stop? Or when enough is enough?
If one person makes a lot of mistakes in life, does this make that person a “bad” person? Or to be known to make “bad judgements”? Does this make one person better than the other? Better in which ways? Maybe if they were being compared to someone who never makes mistakes, or claims to never make mistakes in their life. Sometimes a good or bad judgement call cannot be foreseen.
Knowing when you’ve had enough alcohol, drugs, food, sex etc, is an independent judgement. Knowing when you’ve had enough emotional and physical abuse in a relationship and judging for yourself when its time to walk away and never look back is another way of using your independent judgement. Only you can know what your own limitations are and when you’ve had enough or too much of something.
Knowing and taking into account that there is a developing human life inside of you that requires extra care and precautions is also using one’s own judgement to not only care for yourself but the life inside of you. Lack of good judgement definitely makes one’s actions demonstrate a lack of care, responsibility and show selfishness. Its also categorized as neglect.
Both mother’s judgements are questionable, but only one’s actions has benefits. Benefits that severely outweigh the risks if proper judgement is taken into precaution.
Trust in your own judgement and when your not sure what to do, ask for help!
Hello My lovelies.
Happy holidays and congratulations on making it through the year.
Let's not focus too much on the struggles endured to get to where we are today but shed some light on some important facts that require some celebration. First and foremost I'd like to congratulate myself on finishing College this year...and passing! Going back to school this time wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I didn't consider the fact that I'd have to put a lot of studying in, a lot of long nights falling asleep on the kitchen table. Focussing was very difficult because all I kept doing was checking off my "to do list" while studying. Remembering everything for myself, the kids and studying was a challenge I have overcome through repetition and consistency and a whole lot of self discipline. I know it sounds intense and it sure as hell was. I may have been a little hard on myself for sure, I won't deny that. It has benefitted me tremendously, so I have no regrets.
This year I've had to learn to let go of some family & friends. People come in and out of our lives all the time. They serve their purpose for that time being, and then we move on, taking with us the lessons that we have learned from being in their presence. It kind of sounds sad, I know. It is very sad. I've had to realize that not everyone you love is going to be in your life forever and there really is no point in dwelling on the sadness when its more productive and fulfilling to reflect on all the positives.
I would like to think that self doubt doesn't exist anymore, but it does. Although its existence is met with reminders of all I've accomplished this year it occasionally makes an appearance as a way to help me reevaluate & tune the confidence in myself. I've learned to trust in my gut feeling this year, ask for help when I really need it, choose wisely who I ask for help, it's okay to ask for help and there are more people in my life willing to help then I realize. I just had to ask. I learned I'm a very resilient, smart, determined, strong & ambitious person. These are things I've been told before but never saw it for myself until now. I didn't know what I was truly capable of until 2019. The only thing I fear is that this is just the beginning; the beginning of me pushing myself beyond what I thought my limits were/are. I don't see how it could be a bad thing to want to constantly push yourself to be bigger and better.
I feel like I've grown so much as a person, I feel proud of the women I've become and still becoming. It's a good feeling to reflect back on the year you've had, and feel proud of yourself. I want to always feel like this. I feel like I don't need anything in life. I am just working towards my goals and all that my heart desires. Whether that be love, or the love I have for my new found independence.
This year I've quit smoking, drinking and dropped over 50lbs. I have my gluten sensitivity under control and have ridiculous energy... a blessing and a curse I'm beginning to learn. No one tells you that you will be really horny all the time when you get healthy. I never realized how uncontiously i can be very flirtacious and charming when in heat. It also makes walking the dog winter time with no pants, just a jacket, very convenient. I'm constantly finding ways to burn my energy, which typically involve wrapping my hands and getting in the ring. The worst is when I'm doing a lot of testosterone building exercises, and menstrating at the same time. It gives a whole new meaning of the saying a "hot mess" and the healthier you get, the more intense this feeling becomes. So I've been told. TIme will tell. Regardless this is still a positive change and I will try my best to embrace it without getting frustrated.
I am officially excited for 2020.
Lots of Love
Hello my loyal readers. It has been almost 6 months since I've posted. I wish I could say it has been smooth sailing this whole time, but that would honestly be lying. I've started a new chapter in my life. Taken myself back to school and learning an entirely new profession. I'm struggling to keep up with studying but I haven't given up yet and I don't intend to. I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
I've made many, many changes to my lifestyle and diet. Unfortunately it's left me with a vast amount of stored energy, anxiety and restlessness. I've also refrained from engaging myself in any new personal relationships involving the opposite sex and have been using that time for some/a lot of much needed self love.
May month was a struggle. I found myself waking up several times during the night feeling cold chills and gasping for air. Every time I closed my eyes I felt the cold concrete on my skin and the closing in walls of a jail cell. I'd wake up out of my sleep sweating and feeling hands around my neck, unable to go back to sleep. My counsellor says I've been experiencing obvious signs of PTSD. May 13th was an emotionally difficult weekend. I've learned though that there are going to be times when I feel like I'm steadily climbing upwards and other times where it still feels like that but there are weights holding my feet down making it difficult, almost slowing me completely down but not really because I am still headed in the same direction. I guess I have no choice but to be okay and accept these facts. My peers are beginning to learn that I have a soft side and that gives me anxiety. I have a tough persona and I'd like to keep that image, but if there is any way I can help another person who's been/are in my shoes, I will. Even if that means sharing my life experiences with that person.
I didn't understand why I was experiencing such strong symptoms of PTSD, but then I realized that this has been the first year that the kids and I have been living alone with no male presence. There is a lot on my plate and sometimes it catches up to me and I need to take some time to allow myself to feel what ever it is that I am feeling. This way I can move on a lot sooner then letting myself bottle up my feelings and emotions for days. Training has been helping me get rid of some of that energy, anxiety and restlessness. I've dedicated a significant amount of time inside the boxing ring. It makes me feel so powerful and confident to know I can defend myself now if I ever need to again, and this time I wouldn't hesitate. I use to fear the consequences of fighting back. Not anymore. I've learned.
When I feel I need to stay grounded and focussed, I go punch some things. I've decided for myself that I want to compete in the "Women's Boxing League". It's become a personal goal to be able to register and get professional fights under my belt. I'd like to get down in my weight class before I do. Registering now at my weight class would put me up against some very big women who are the size of Laila Ali. While I absolutely admire that women I'm not ashamed to say that I will most definitely get my ass kicked badly. I would enjoy the experience and learn a lot from it, I'll know when I'm ready for that next step.
I've found ways to cope with my PTSD and everything else I have been going through. I know sooner or later I will have to learn how to open up to Love again, but like everything else, I understand that, that too will take time and get better as I continue to move forward in the direction towards all my goals. I don't think I've done too bad thus far.
Next post will be after my 30th birthday. :) until then; Never give up. No matter how hard it gets. Remind yourself where you were, where you're headed and where you are right now.
Happy New Year!
I am the most excited about starting school this month. The second most exciting is that I will be turning 30 years old this year.
I am coming into the new year with a clear realization that I am single. I haven't been single for 10 years. I've become that quote you see all the time on Facebook "get married young, so you're divorced and happy in your thirties". I've read this so many times and just laughed without every really giving it a second thought. I've accomplished the first two and I'm ready to be happy in my thirties.
I've come to the conclusion that having any type of relationship with my kids father is asking too much and our relationship will be one of those you have over the phone with a customer service representative, and I'm okay with that.
I recently read an article that explained why our children behave better when we're (mother's/sole guardian) not around and why they seem to unload all their emotions and frustrations on us. It was a very interesting read because it stated that we are our children's safety anchor. We're the ones they feel most comfortable being their true selves around and they trust that we'll take the time to listen and offer advice they can understand. Oddly enough days after reading this article my son tells me that he "agreed to something his dad asked him because he wanted to make him happy, but he really doesn't want to".
As a mother, knowing that he trusted me with this information and trusted me enough to say "please don't tell daddy" and know that I have his support felt so liberating. I am his safety anchor. Of course though I couldn't help but realize that his response about being concerned of his father's "feelings" is clear evidence of the Narcissistic teachings he's been taught. I take responsibility for his response; this is how I always reacted towards his father so naturally seeing my example he has learned how to follow it. Now he's considering his "father's feelings" over his own. My attempts to encourage him that no harm will come to him if he says how he feels and what he wants and doesn't want, to his father have had very little effect on his decision not to. There seems to be a fear of the repercussions in his actions. I have to continue to encourage him to speak his mind, ALL the time in life.
Living an honest life, no matter how good or bad has been the greatest and most valuable lesson I've learned in 2018. When you're always honest with yourself, it makes it so much easier to be honest with everyone else around you and even with random strangers. Everything adds up in life, you never forget anything you've told anyone because it's always the same story. There's never a mistake or a misunderstanding because you are clear with your words. Even if it's something bad; like ignoring someone's call on purpose, or saying you brushed your teeth and you didn't. In return you develop a better sense of when you are being deceived. What is the worse that could happen for telling the truth?
Though I've learned through life and it's experiences and a whole lot of reading, that there is a time crunch when the truth can minimize negative impact. For example: saying you've been brushing your teeth every day, when you haven't. Then going into the dentist for a cleaning only to be asked "if you're brushing everyday?" saying "yes" then the hygienist says to you "you have a lot of build up, it doesn't look like you've brushed your teeth in over a week". There was a small window where you could have told the truth to the hygienist because you've lied to your parent for a week. If you were honest and said "no, I haven't brushed in a week, I got lazy" she'll remind you of the importance and make sure you have an uncomfortable appointment so when you leave she says "if you had brushed and flossed everyday, it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable" therefore teaching you a lesson without telling your parent, if you ask nicely. Saying you did, when you didn't only makes it worse for yourself. You'll be watched like a hawk if you're brushing your teeth and your parent may not take your word for it next time. If the benefits outweigh the punishments/penalty/consequences/repercussions then it is always worth it to be honest and truthful, good or bad.
A more adult example: My autobiography. There was ample time for Dave to be honest without having to face the same consequences he's facing now(Divorce) or any dramatic negative consequences. 2011 when I moved back in was the time, but there was an even more perfect moment; before we moved into our matrimonial home. Even during the time when he found out he was having a daughter. How about after she was born? Where I am getting at is that there were many occasions where telling the truth sooner rather than later would have severely minimize the negative reactions/impact. By maintaining his lie for so long coming clean only contradicted every "truth" he may have told after. So not only does he become untrustworthy but it leaves others to question "what is the truth?" and "is this person capable of being truthful?".
Regardless of the choice we make, we all fear the same reactions/emotions.
Shame, guilt, disappointment? Emotions we were taught as a child to fear. Fear that our parents will make us feel ashamed for expressing our truths. Fear of the guilt our mother or father will make us feel for our actions because they did not approve of it and disappointed because we're not allowed to be the way we want to be. Disappointed in ourselves because we've disappointed our loved ones or people who depend on us in some way.
I don't mean to sound cliché but I mean it when I say that 2019 will be filled with a lot of self healing and nurturing. Also teaching those around me, especially my children how to self heal and nurture and remind them that they are not responsible for anyone else's feelings but their own, so they are better equipped for the world I am letting them out into.
The most common question I seem to get is “why, did you decided to write an autobiography?”. With the subheading: were you looking for revenge? Did you just get tired of being a doormat and decided to journal and publish it one day? I’ve even been called “selfish”. Along with; bitch, slut, whore, stupid…etc. You get the picture. I think maybe I portray myself as a little too "happy" with my current situation. How does one come up such names to call a victim of domestic violence? I keep trying to find some sort of reasoning and explanation for some of the responses I have gotten towards this accomplishment and the only one I can really think of is “people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”- Friedrich Netzsche
I have done a good, no great job over the years creating this illusion not only for others around me but for myself that my life was perfect. If it looked like it was, then it meant it was. So I can’t blame my readers for questioning its authenticity and asking "why now?". I can only speak "my truth". It has taken me this long to come to terms with what I am responsible for and I cannot point the finger at anyone else other than myself for enabling my significant other to treat me this way. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of domestic violence so I clearly understood what was happening to me. It doesn’t matter if he was on his hands and knees begging with tears streaming down his face for my forgiveness. I chose to ignore the facts and evidence in front of me to focus on my child and salvaging my marriage. For that I cannot and will not blame anyone for, but myself. I willingly turned the blind eye constantly
"forgiving and forgetting". There is only so much one can forgive and forget before it becomes a sacrifice to our true self and then we cannot continue with the same old behaviours. We truly never ever really know what our limit is until we’ve reached it.
I can however say that I was not responsible for taking anyone else’s hands and injuring myself. The only scars that are self inflicted are those where I had lost hope and saw myself as more of a burden than someone "useful". Those were dark times when I felt utterly alone and couldn’t talk to anyone. The hate I could feel towards me felt so paralyzing at that time. I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough and always looked for an easy way out of the life I was living.
I wasn’t until after my car accident that I thought more firmly about finishing my book. The whole process was agonizing. I felt like he fought me the whole way. There were days where I would bring up what I was writing about and it almost 10/10 times broke out into an argument or a yelling and screaming fight. Always about “this book is just retraumatizing you, we’ll never get over the past”. For some reason he couldn’t understand when I told him that “it was always traumatizing me, I just never realized that I was suffocating how I truly felt every day for the sake of my own shame and guilt. I didn’t want to hear anyone say ‘I told you so’ so I told myself it was okay, that not all marriages are perfect, you married a man just like your father, focus on the good. I never let myself feel what I was truly feeling and so I put up with so much more shit than I should have”. I now understand why he always got so upset after I said these words. I was seeing things clear and he feared my sense of clarity. He feared my eyes opening and not ever closing again. This is when I mentally outgrew him and he knew it.
I did not and still do not understand how I could have been so clear with my feelings and what emotions I was going through at that time and STILL defending myself. It seemed as though no matter what I said to him, all he heard is that ; it's his fault, and he needs to fix it. The gift of taking what is told to you and turning it around into a whole new meaning is both productive and destructive depending on how you use this talent.
When I didn’t see reasoning in his reasons anymore he resulted to body shaming me. Those attempts to mentally fuck me were short lived. I started listening to my body and my own needs. I got regular counselling from a private psychologist who taught me how to implement my anger management skills with the self growth achievements and never reverted back to my old ways of suffocating my own needs and feelings.
So yes, when you take a step back and evaluate, I did write this book for my own selfish reasons and for that I don’t feel shame or guilt.
Instead I feel; accomplished, happy, excited, motivated and most of all peaceful. My biggest desire is that my story helps at least one lonely teenager, not feel so lonely and to know that there are people out there you can talk to and seek help. There really and truly is always a way, we just have to want it bad enough. I don't want anyone else to make that same mistakes I made in life.
I would like to announce that there is going to be a Final Chapter. For everyone who has asked "where are you now?" well, it is on its way so stay tuned.
How does one learn to move forward and trust again? I know many women who have been through similar situations to my story and each one of them deal with “moving forward” in a different way. I’ve asked my counsellor if this process gets easier? I’m not sure why I asked her this question because I knew she would reply with “it takes time”. Okay I get that, I understand that. But what do I do during this “time” to help me not loose hope in all humanity, or just the opposite sex? First, she advised me that not every man on this planet is like the man I married. Although there are different variations of what I consider “the ass hole scale” there are some good ones out there. I’m not sure if this was a ‘pep talk’ or a ‘calm me down’ talk. Maybe both. Secondly, she advised me to think of traits that are absolutely important to me. This made sense to me until she said to make sure my list isn’t super long only consisting of 4,5 important qualities. I had already made it to 20 in my head by time she said that...
Some of the women who have gone through struggles in life are still struggling. Although they have chosen to stay with their abuser and work things out, their eyes are still on the door and they still feel trapped in a sense. The weight of responsibility and obligations to their family out weight their own needs and desires. Even if the desire is to just to be treated like a decent human being.
Another example is what I like to call the “mom gone wild” phase. To be honest I quite like this phase. It consists of laughter and a whole lot of vodka surrounded by people who have supported you from day one. Who wouldn’t want that after they’ve had to completely start a new life? I know what your thinking; it’s just a way to hide how they’re really feeling, they’re living in denial and its all going to hit them like a brick one day. Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. Maybe they’ve been feeling sorry for themselves long enough. Maybe, they’ve felt misery, heartache and regret long enough that they’ve maybe, just maybe… genuinely welcomed happiness and finally decided to focus on themselves?
One fact that I’ve learned has proven to be true is that; those of us who decided to get out of a toxic situation, have not come to this conclusion over night. This has been a process that we’ve weighed all the possible outcomes and scenarios before we spring into action. 9/10 times we’ve tried what we feel is all we could do and even then, we “pretend” we’re leaving and when that doesn’t work we actually follow through. Making sure our finances, emotional and mental health will be taken care of no matter what direction we chose to go is critical. We’ve survived something and we have developed the strategies required to makes sure all those important things will be provided for.
Believe it or not the hardest thing for me has been focusing on myself. While my children are the most important things in this world to me. I’ve had to learn that their well being depends on me and if I’m not well to take care of them, the way I want them to be taken care of, then I need to take care of me so I’m always there for them when they need me. Tricky this frame of thought. Society has always said “children first” and “parents second”. If this means its okay to go get a pedicure once in a while and a massage, then go for a two-hour hike through poison ivy trails with a clear mind, then I shall continue to focus on me just not through the poison ivy this time.
First and foremost let me say "Thank You!" for taking the time to scroll through my site and taking the time to read My Book. Currently I live in a new home with my two kids and dog. I look forward to the new beginning for myself and my kids. There really is no telling what the future holds for us but one thing the three of us are sure of is that we will be there to support each other as I plan to do so for my readers as well. I Welcome all questions and comments.
Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth - My new Mantra.