Hello my loyal readers. It has been almost 6 months since I've posted. I wish I could say it has been smooth sailing this whole time, but that would honestly be lying. I've started a new chapter in my life. Taken myself back to school and learning an entirely new profession. I'm struggling to keep up with studying but I haven't given up yet and I don't intend to. I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
I've made many, many changes to my lifestyle and diet. Unfortunately it's left me with a vast amount of stored energy, anxiety and restlessness. I've also refrained from engaging myself in any new personal relationships involving the opposite sex and have been using that time for some/a lot of much needed self love.
May month was a struggle. I found myself waking up several times during the night feeling cold chills and gasping for air. Every time I closed my eyes I felt the cold concrete on my skin and the closing in walls of a jail cell. I'd wake up out of my sleep sweating and feeling hands around my neck, unable to go back to sleep. My counsellor says I've been experiencing obvious signs of PTSD. May 13th was an emotionally difficult weekend. I've learned though that there are going to be times when I feel like I'm steadily climbing upwards and other times where it still feels like that but there are weights holding my feet down making it difficult, almost slowing me completely down but not really because I am still headed in the same direction. I guess I have no choice but to be okay and accept these facts. My peers are beginning to learn that I have a soft side and that gives me anxiety. I have a tough persona and I'd like to keep that image, but if there is any way I can help another person who's been/are in my shoes, I will. Even if that means sharing my life experiences with that person.
I didn't understand why I was experiencing such strong symptoms of PTSD, but then I realized that this has been the first year that the kids and I have been living alone with no male presence. There is a lot on my plate and sometimes it catches up to me and I need to take some time to allow myself to feel what ever it is that I am feeling. This way I can move on a lot sooner then letting myself bottle up my feelings and emotions for days. Training has been helping me get rid of some of that energy, anxiety and restlessness. I've dedicated a significant amount of time inside the boxing ring. It makes me feel so powerful and confident to know I can defend myself now if I ever need to again, and this time I wouldn't hesitate. I use to fear the consequences of fighting back. Not anymore. I've learned.
When I feel I need to stay grounded and focussed, I go punch some things. I've decided for myself that I want to compete in the "Women's Boxing League". It's become a personal goal to be able to register and get professional fights under my belt. I'd like to get down in my weight class before I do. Registering now at my weight class would put me up against some very big women who are the size of Laila Ali. While I absolutely admire that women I'm not ashamed to say that I will most definitely get my ass kicked badly. I would enjoy the experience and learn a lot from it, I'll know when I'm ready for that next step.
I've found ways to cope with my PTSD and everything else I have been going through. I know sooner or later I will have to learn how to open up to Love again, but like everything else, I understand that, that too will take time and get better as I continue to move forward in the direction towards all my goals. I don't think I've done too bad thus far.
Next post will be after my 30th birthday. :) until then; Never give up. No matter how hard it gets. Remind yourself where you were, where you're headed and where you are right now.
Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth - My new Mantra.