Growth is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
Reflecting on my own growth is something I need to occasionally do to remind myself that even though times feel tough right now physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; I have consistently pushed myself to grow in all those areas.
Physically I have lost a weight and gained some new Ink, not exactly looking like the same person I was a year ago. As a positive and natural consequence of physically feeling better and taking care of my body my mental and emotional state came together in a harmonious balance. A balance I have been able to maintain. Until now.
Spiritually I struggle between what my heart and head tell me. I always choose one over the other and almost immediately regret my decision. Learning to trust in my own judgements and what I feel is right has proven to be difficult.
That harmonious balance I was mentioning earlier is in reference to the time I almost opened up my heart to someone. I didn't feel I was ready for a relationship but it happened anyway. I opened up my heart, home and family. It felt amazing. Scary but amazing. It made me anxious at times but I was never disappointed. I didn't want Love and I wasn't looking for Love but it found me. until I realized that it might be time to start putting trust into each other. You know....the kind of trust where you leave him alone in your house with your dog, for the first time. I'm a single mom, that's a big deal for me. That's when I realized I didn't trust him to be alone in my house. I felt like I could trust him to be alone but the thought of it gave me anxiety which then turned to fear. It was very clear I wasn't ready for where our relationship was going. This is an example of my head and heart not agreeing with each other.
My heart is saying "trust". While my head is saying "don't you fuckin dare". SO I put myself out there and told him that I Love him & it scares me. I told him that trust doesn't come easy from me & that I wasn't ready for where our relationship was going. Another example of my heart and head not agreeing.
Unfortunately he took my expression as a "go fuck yourself" and that I wanted him to leave me alone. I will forever wonder how he got that impression. I'd realize that if we had spent so much time together and all he got from my expression was a "go fuck yourself" then this individual doesn't know me, my heart or my intentions and if he couldn't get to know me a little from all the time we spent together then it's clear his heart isn't in the same place as mine.
Just like that, back to single.
This isn't my first rodeo and I'm sure it won't be my last. The lesson I take away from this to always stay true to yourself. Stay true to what you believe, what you value, your goals and what makes you happy. If it doesn't make you happy or has stopped making you happy, adding stress or anxiety in your life. LET IT GO. Then LOOK back and DON'T regret it.
I'm living, learning and growing.
Lots of Love