Hello My lovelies.
Happy holidays and congratulations on making it through the year.
Let's not focus too much on the struggles endured to get to where we are today but shed some light on some important facts that require some celebration. First and foremost I'd like to congratulate myself on finishing College this year...and passing! Going back to school this time wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I didn't consider the fact that I'd have to put a lot of studying in, a lot of long nights falling asleep on the kitchen table. Focussing was very difficult because all I kept doing was checking off my "to do list" while studying. Remembering everything for myself, the kids and studying was a challenge I have overcome through repetition and consistency and a whole lot of self discipline. I know it sounds intense and it sure as hell was. I may have been a little hard on myself for sure, I won't deny that. It has benefitted me tremendously, so I have no regrets.
This year I've had to learn to let go of some family & friends. People come in and out of our lives all the time. They serve their purpose for that time being, and then we move on, taking with us the lessons that we have learned from being in their presence. It kind of sounds sad, I know. It is very sad. I've had to realize that not everyone you love is going to be in your life forever and there really is no point in dwelling on the sadness when its more productive and fulfilling to reflect on all the positives.
I would like to think that self doubt doesn't exist anymore, but it does. Although its existence is met with reminders of all I've accomplished this year it occasionally makes an appearance as a way to help me reevaluate & tune the confidence in myself. I've learned to trust in my gut feeling this year, ask for help when I really need it, choose wisely who I ask for help, it's okay to ask for help and there are more people in my life willing to help then I realize. I just had to ask. I learned I'm a very resilient, smart, determined, strong & ambitious person. These are things I've been told before but never saw it for myself until now. I didn't know what I was truly capable of until 2019. The only thing I fear is that this is just the beginning; the beginning of me pushing myself beyond what I thought my limits were/are. I don't see how it could be a bad thing to want to constantly push yourself to be bigger and better.
I feel like I've grown so much as a person, I feel proud of the women I've become and still becoming. It's a good feeling to reflect back on the year you've had, and feel proud of yourself. I want to always feel like this. I feel like I don't need anything in life. I am just working towards my goals and all that my heart desires. Whether that be love, or the love I have for my new found independence.
This year I've quit smoking, drinking and dropped over 50lbs. I have my gluten sensitivity under control and have ridiculous energy... a blessing and a curse I'm beginning to learn. No one tells you that you will be really horny all the time when you get healthy. I never realized how uncontiously i can be very flirtacious and charming when in heat. It also makes walking the dog winter time with no pants, just a jacket, very convenient. I'm constantly finding ways to burn my energy, which typically involve wrapping my hands and getting in the ring. The worst is when I'm doing a lot of testosterone building exercises, and menstrating at the same time. It gives a whole new meaning of the saying a "hot mess" and the healthier you get, the more intense this feeling becomes. So I've been told. TIme will tell. Regardless this is still a positive change and I will try my best to embrace it without getting frustrated.
I am officially excited for 2020.
Lots of Love