Happy New Year!
I am the most excited about starting school this month. The second most exciting is that I will be turning 30 years old this year.
I am coming into the new year with a clear realization that I am single. I haven't been single for 10 years. I've become that quote you see all the time on Facebook "get married young, so you're divorced and happy in your thirties". I've read this so many times and just laughed without every really giving it a second thought. I've accomplished the first two and I'm ready to be happy in my thirties.
I've come to the conclusion that having any type of relationship with my kids father is asking too much and our relationship will be one of those you have over the phone with a customer service representative, and I'm okay with that.
I recently read an article that explained why our children behave better when we're (mother's/sole guardian) not around and why they seem to unload all their emotions and frustrations on us. It was a very interesting read because it stated that we are our children's safety anchor. We're the ones they feel most comfortable being their true selves around and they trust that we'll take the time to listen and offer advice they can understand. Oddly enough days after reading this article my son tells me that he "agreed to something his dad asked him because he wanted to make him happy, but he really doesn't want to".
As a mother, knowing that he trusted me with this information and trusted me enough to say "please don't tell daddy" and know that I have his support felt so liberating. I am his safety anchor. Of course though I couldn't help but realize that his response about being concerned of his father's "feelings" is clear evidence of the Narcissistic teachings he's been taught. I take responsibility for his response; this is how I always reacted towards his father so naturally seeing my example he has learned how to follow it. Now he's considering his "father's feelings" over his own. My attempts to encourage him that no harm will come to him if he says how he feels and what he wants and doesn't want, to his father have had very little effect on his decision not to. There seems to be a fear of the repercussions in his actions. I have to continue to encourage him to speak his mind, ALL the time in life.
Living an honest life, no matter how good or bad has been the greatest and most valuable lesson I've learned in 2018. When you're always honest with yourself, it makes it so much easier to be honest with everyone else around you and even with random strangers. Everything adds up in life, you never forget anything you've told anyone because it's always the same story. There's never a mistake or a misunderstanding because you are clear with your words. Even if it's something bad; like ignoring someone's call on purpose, or saying you brushed your teeth and you didn't. In return you develop a better sense of when you are being deceived. What is the worse that could happen for telling the truth?
Though I've learned through life and it's experiences and a whole lot of reading, that there is a time crunch when the truth can minimize negative impact. For example: saying you've been brushing your teeth every day, when you haven't. Then going into the dentist for a cleaning only to be asked "if you're brushing everyday?" saying "yes" then the hygienist says to you "you have a lot of build up, it doesn't look like you've brushed your teeth in over a week". There was a small window where you could have told the truth to the hygienist because you've lied to your parent for a week. If you were honest and said "no, I haven't brushed in a week, I got lazy" she'll remind you of the importance and make sure you have an uncomfortable appointment so when you leave she says "if you had brushed and flossed everyday, it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable" therefore teaching you a lesson without telling your parent, if you ask nicely. Saying you did, when you didn't only makes it worse for yourself. You'll be watched like a hawk if you're brushing your teeth and your parent may not take your word for it next time. If the benefits outweigh the punishments/penalty/consequences/repercussions then it is always worth it to be honest and truthful, good or bad.
A more adult example: My autobiography. There was ample time for Dave to be honest without having to face the same consequences he's facing now(Divorce) or any dramatic negative consequences. 2011 when I moved back in was the time, but there was an even more perfect moment; before we moved into our matrimonial home. Even during the time when he found out he was having a daughter. How about after she was born? Where I am getting at is that there were many occasions where telling the truth sooner rather than later would have severely minimize the negative reactions/impact. By maintaining his lie for so long coming clean only contradicted every "truth" he may have told after. So not only does he become untrustworthy but it leaves others to question "what is the truth?" and "is this person capable of being truthful?".
Regardless of the choice we make, we all fear the same reactions/emotions.
Shame, guilt, disappointment? Emotions we were taught as a child to fear. Fear that our parents will make us feel ashamed for expressing our truths. Fear of the guilt our mother or father will make us feel for our actions because they did not approve of it and disappointed because we're not allowed to be the way we want to be. Disappointed in ourselves because we've disappointed our loved ones or people who depend on us in some way.
I don't mean to sound cliché but I mean it when I say that 2019 will be filled with a lot of self healing and nurturing. Also teaching those around me, especially my children how to self heal and nurture and remind them that they are not responsible for anyone else's feelings but their own, so they are better equipped for the world I am letting them out into.